Ten items to wear to Thanksgiving that will piss off your grandma.
I can't go home for the holidays without some comment from a relative about something I'm wearing. Trying to explain it to them is a loss too cause like YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND ME MOM and then I run to my room, slam my door, and blast my Outkast CD cause SHE'S NOT THE BOSS OF ME. But while there are some annoyances to being home with the fam again, there's also perks like free fucking food, having to do absolutely fucking nothing, and calling up old friends like LOOK HOW FLY I GOT. Hashtag sorry haters. It's only right that we carry on the legacy of pissing off relatives (and mostly confusing grandma) with undoubtable swag cause there's no way I'm putting on an argyle sweater and loafers. That's just defying character, and I will have nothing to do with that. So here's ten ways you're sure to remind everyone that you still don't give a shit what they think while also totally fucking with your grandma.
1. BASEBALL CAPS
I know wearing a hat at the dinner table is fucking rude, but you know what else is rude? Having crazy ass hair under that hat. Sorry, grandma, but you don't want to know what's under here cause that early morning flight had no chill and you're lucky I made it here at all.
2. ALL BLACK
Am I going to a funeral? Yes. Yours, grandma if you don't slow your roll. But seriously, I live in New York now where everyone wears black all year round cause people die there every day grandma, and we've gotta be ready.
3. BRIGHT ASS COLORS
Oh I'm also not allowed to wear bright ass colors. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I'm just trying to stay warm and not get hit in a crosswalk, grandma. I thought you were worried about me? At least you spotted me from across the room without your glasses. Kudos.
Now I know you know something about fur, grandma, cause you're classy like that. No, it's not real, but if you want to give me one of your real pieces and also sew it to the collar of this jacket for me... I mean, nah, you're right it looks better on you anyway, but like where are you going in that so real talk lemme have it.
5. FUCKBOY TEES
Yeah I'll settle down soon, grandma, but Imma fuck around a little bit more cause things are different now and there's too many babes out there to just settle for one. Sorry, g-ma, they just don't make them like you anymore. Hold on. Let me answer these texts.
If you wouldn't feed me so much, grandma, I wouldn't have to wear pants with an elastic waist. They're too tight? They're too baggy? Which is it cause I'm confused did you take your memory pills today cause I'm pretty sure you were wearing sweatpants yesterday. No shade.
I know you want to see my kind eyes, but if only you knew how hungover I am from Black(out) Wednesday, grandma. No, I couldn't stay in. It's the biggest drinking night of the year and you want me to fit in with everyone else, don't you? Now where's your whiskey stash cause like hair of the dog or whatever.
8. PLATINUM HAIR
Not so mad about the baseball cap anymore, are you, grandma? I swear all the cool kids are doing it and let me live cause I could be doing drugs or something unless you found out about that too in which cause who cares about my hair color anymore, am I right?
9. xmas gear
What do you mean too soon, grandma? I just assumed you didn't know what holiday it really was anyway since you haven't needed a calendar for at least eight years or some shit. Besides, the sweater you knitted me last year somehow caught fire when I threw it into a fireplace so it's not my fault you've failed to replace it.
I know these overalls remind you of when I was a little kid, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to give me more "sugar", grandma. I'm already searching your entire house for hand sanitizer cause I'm really not sure when was the last time you took your teeth out and gave them a good scrub tbh.